How Yami Stole Christmas
by High Crystal Guardian
Summary: Ever read (or seen) "How the Grinch Stole Christmas?" Well, here's a new twist to that well-known story, starring Yami Bakura! Quite funny, if you take the time to read it...rated for a few bad words (Bad Bakura!)


HCG: ^_^ Hello all! I see you've opted to try reading my little humorous ficcie here...

Karma: *sigh*

HCG: What?

Karma: Slash is in the parody. I'm not. 

HCG: Don't worry. I think you'll be glad you're not in the fic after you read it ^_~

Karma: *shrugs* Alright. 

HCG: Anyway, this little fic is really just a parody of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." I've re-written it to my own liking, added one of my fave characters, Yami Bakura, and voila! I have a decently funny mini-story.

Slash: What about "Shadow Turned Light?"

HCG: Good question. I didn't have time to finish up Chapter 7 (although it's halfway done.) I should finish it up soon, but I've got a _lot _of projects and studying to do to prepare for my midterms, and then over the holidays I don't get much time to myself (lots of family stuff). I'll try to get it out soon, but in the meantime I hope you people'll enjoy this. 

Bakura: I'm sure they will.

HCG: o_O;; Where'd _you _come from?

Bakura: Aww, come on, I _gotta _be here to see a story all about me!

HCG: *shrugs* Okay. But you've gotta do the disclaimer.

Bakura: Sure! HCG doesn't own any of the Yu-Gi-Oh characters, or the Grinch. Only Slash and Karma belong to her.

HCG: Now, onto the fic!

Notes: (word) ~ a sort of author's note, I guess...it's self explanatory...

How The Yami Stole Christmas

Every Dominoian down in Domino city liked Christmas a lot

But _Yami Bakura, _who lived...also in Domino city o_O;;...did NOT.

Bakura _hated _Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

You may ask, "Why?" (He's insane, that's the reason.)

It _couldn't _be his head--he doesn't HAVE one, right?

And ancient spirits don't have shoes, so they're not on too tight. 

But perhaps the most likely reason of all

May have been that his heart was...wait, he doesn't have a heart either. Okay, never mind that.

But whatever the reason, which we've yet to know

He stood on Christmas Eve, hating the people of Domino

Staring out from his house with a slightly-insane-looking Bakura-ish frown,

At the warm lighted windows all around town.

For he knew every teen in the houses around his

Were hanging tons of mistletoe, hoping to get lucky with a kiss (or two, or three, or...)

"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.

"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's too f****** near!"

Then he growled, with his host body's fingers nervously drumming (I guess he's possessed Ryou)

"I MUST find a way to destroy Christmas, it's coming!"

For tomorrow all the Domino teens

Would wake up late and talk of their Christmas dreams

And _then! _Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise, noise, noise, noise!

That's one thing he COULD NOT STAND, all that !@#? $%&!*?# %@#* NOISE! (Particularly when he had a hangover, which is what usually happens on Christmas, considering that he's very depressed the eve before)

Then the Dominoians of all ages would sit down to a feast.

And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST UNTIL THEY WERE REDICULOUSLY FULL! (Or at least try to, anyway...Joey and Tristen would usually strip the table bare within seconds)

They'd feast on pudding, but not the roast beast (It's already been eaten by Joey)

Which was something Bakura could not stand in the least! (Come on, we all know about his obsession with raw meat)

And _then _they'd do something he liked least of all!

Every kid in Domino, the tall and the small, 

would stand all together, with Christmas bells ringing

And with horribly off-key voices, they would all start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing!

Cracking nearby glass windows, they'd SING SING SING SING!

And the more Bakura thought of this horrible singing (and the spectacular headache that was being added to that hangover of his)

The more Bakura thought, "I've got to stop this damn thing!

Why, for 5000 years I've put up with it now!

I MUST end Christmas from coming...but _how_?"

Then he got an idea! An _awful _idea!

Bakura got an _insanely awful idea!_

"I know just what to do!" Bakura growled in his throat.

And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.

Then he looked in the mirror, and thought he'd be sick.

"Oh, dear Ra, I look just like Saint Nick!" (Even has the white hair ^_~)

"All I need is a reindeer..." Bakura looked around

But since reindeer are not likely to live in the middle of Domino city, there were none to be found. 

Did that stop the evil Yami? No! Bakura simply said,

"If I can't _find _a reindeer, I'll _make _one instead!"

So he called his partner in crime, Slash. Then he took some dark thread, and he tied a few horns to the top of the anteater's head. (To much protesting, may I add)

Then he loaded up some bags, and some boxes for cash,

on a ramshackle sleigh, and harnessed a P.O.'ed Slash.

Then Bakura shouted, "Start moving, foolish mortal!" and the sleigh started around

towards the homes where the teens lay a-snooze in their town. (Dreaming about those kisses they want so bad, no doubt)

All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air. 

All the teens were dreaming teen-ish dreams without care

When he came to the first little house on the square.

"Here's stop number one," the old Yami Claus hissed. 

And he climbed on the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney--a rather tight pinch,

But, if Santa could do it...then a 5000 year old tomb robber definitely could.

He got stuck only once, for a moment or two (with much swearing, may it be told--it's surprising the occupants of the house didn't wake up)

Then he stuck his head out the fireplace flue

Where all the Christmas stockings hung in a row

"Can't sell'em for much," he muttered, "But they're first to go!"

Then he prowled and snuck, with insane grin most unpleasant,

Around the whole room--and he _stole _every present! (Well, he _is _a tomb robber...what'd you expect him to do?)

Duel Monsters Cards! Hair Gel! Video Games! And Candy!

Millenium Item polish! Pixi Stix! Hey, this stuff was just dandy!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Yami, very nimbly, 

stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimbly! (_Chimbly? _Is that a word?)

Then he slunk to the refrigerator. He took the teens' feast!

He took that great pudding! He took the roast beast! (Which hadn't been cooked yet, unsurprisingly, so it was perfect for Bakura's odd raw-meat tastes)

He cleaned out the fridge as quick as a flash

He even went so far as to steal the food from the trash!

And he stuffed all that food up the chimney with glee.

"And NOW!" laughed Bakura, "I'll stuff up the tree!" (It's anybody's guess how he plans to do _that. _Do you know how hard it is to shove a tree up a chimney? I've tried it, trust me)

And the Yami grabbed the tree, and he started to shove,

When he heard a small sound that came from below him, not above.

He turned around fast, and of all people he saw _who? _

Why, little Yugi Moto, who was no more than two...feet tall, that is.

Bakura had been caught by this vertically challenged teen,

Who'd gotten out of bed for a midnight snack, while unseen

He stared at Yami and said, "Bakura, why?

Why the hell are you taking our Christmas tree? _Why?!" _

But you know, that tomb robber was so evil and slick,

That he formed up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, you foolish little mortal," the fake Santa Claus lied,

"I'm not Bakura, as you could see if you tried!

Now, as for this tree, well, it's rotten, and dead.

I'm getting rid of it and buying a new one, instead."

And his lie fooled Yugi, though that's surprisingly said.

The master duelist just shrugged and went back to bed.

And when the King of Games had returned to his slumber,

Bakura shoved the tree up with curses in large numbers. (See, I told you, it _is _hard to shove a tree up a chimney!)

Then the last thing he took was the log from the fire

Then he went up the chimney himself, the horrible liar.

On the walls, all he left was a few hooks and some wire (though he figured he was being generous, leaving them with that)

He didn't even leave one crumb in the house

So somewhere in there is a poor starving mouse.

Then he committed more thefts in the other teen's houses

leaving behind him many other starved mouses.

It was pretty darned early, all the teens still a-bed,

All the kids still a-snooze, when he finished loading the sled.

Loaded it up with presents, and _things, _and all sorts of gifts!

With some many expensive items a kid would throw fits!

Three thousand feet up, to the side of Mt. Darnit,

he rode with his load to the tip-top to dump it!

"Hah-hah, those idiotic mortals," he was Bakura-ish-ly humming,

"They'll be finding out now Christmas is DESTROYED, it's not coming!

"They're all waking up, and I know just what they'll do!

"They'll all be surprised for a moment or two.

"Then those teens down in Domino City will yell, "Bakura, damn you!"

"What a beautiful sound," grinned Bakura, "that I simply MUST hear!"

So he paused, and the thief put a hand to his ear.

And he _could _hear a sound rising way, _way _up high

He heard it, and suddenly wanted to die.

The sound wasn't angry! Why, it sounded merry!

It was horribly off-tune, but it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Domino, and his eyes opened wide!

He was in shock--what a terrible surprise!

Every teen down in Domino, both the tall and the small,

Were singing--what the hell was _wrong _with them all?

He HADN'T destroyed Christmas, for unbelievingly, it _came! _

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

Then Bakura, who was beginning to get very cold,

Stood completely confused. "But the presents..._I _hold!"

"They didn't get their ribbons, and never got tags!

"I stole all their packages, boxes, and bags!"

And he puzzled for hours, 'til his head was in pain.

But of course, kind thoughts can't enter an evil brain.

"Well, _I _think Christmas should come from a store...

"But if not...might as well get a little bit more!"

And what happened _then?_ Well, honestly, we don't know.

But one thing's for certain--his heart didn't grow.

As soon as the greedy thought came to his head

He rushed back for Domino--but for his own house instead.

He kept all the gifts! And the food to the feast!

And he--_he himself_--carved and ate the _raw _roast beast.

HCG: Aaah, fun to write random stuff, yes?

Slash: o_O;; I took the place of a DOG?!

HCG: ^_^;; um, well, yeah?

Bakura: *laughing insanely* That...was beautiful!

HCG: o_O;; Ooookay....*turns to several Yu-Gi-Oh characters* Now, what'd you guys think?

Yugi: I'm not two feet tall!

Kaiba: *laughing* SLASH IS A WORTHLESS DOG! *more evil laughs*

Ryou: What happened to _me_?

Joey & Tristen: We DO NOT eat _that _much!

HCG: TOO MUCH TALKING! *everybody quiets down* Good. Okay. Now, you readers out there--review! I would like to know what people think of my humorous writing style so I know whether to write more funny fics, or to stick with my serious types of writing, like in "Shadow Turned Light."

Karma: *nods* Please review! Perhaps you will push Guardian into finishing up Chapter Seven in her other fic!


End file.
